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{Dear Book Dr.} Getting Back into Online Dating?

dear book doctor online dating

In Need of an Online Dating Profile Makeover

Dear Book Dr.,

I spent most of last year actively dating. I mostly used OkCupid to find my dates. I went on more than 50 dates and could write a book about all the sketchy and/or hilarious first date encounters I had. I met a total of 3 men that I ended up going on more than 5 dates with, though none of these connections lasted more than a couple months.
I discovered major red flags or deal breakers with 2 of the men and the one guy that I liked the most and felt the most compatible with “ghosted” me after we spent a great weekend together and then moved across the country.
I’ve been on a break from online dating since before the holidays and think that it’s time to get back on the dating horse/wagon/pony…but I need some direction and inspiration.
Can you recommend a good book for me to help with clarifying what I want from a relationship and how to describe it effectively in my profile?
Ok Quitter

Ok girl. First of all, you are not an Ok Quitter because you took a risk and wrote this letter. Good work!

Also, I must acknowledge that online dating is a slog. Oh my god, is it a slog.

While men have to get up the guts to write someone, women have to deal with filtering through all the messages that can be as articulate as “hey” not even capitalized, with nothing else in the message. I feel you.

So before we even get to the books that will help you with the online dating, I think we need to start with the books that will make you feel like you want to be dealing with this in the first place.

What do I mean? After a disappointing bout in the dating ring and a restful retreat away from it, you need to get a bit spicy with your reading to get inspired again.

In short, you need to read some erotica. Doesn’t matter what kind, but I would hit up anything from the best of series with some sassy short stories to 50 Shades of Grey or whatever your flavor is. You can read more about finding your flavor here, and here. If erotica isn’t your jam, read something romantic. Something that helps you see that this absurd and exhausting process will be worth it in the end. Read Modern Love in the New York Times, even the Outlander series if that does it for you. Just get inspired for romance.

Now that we’ve got you feeling a little more footloose about the process, let’s get to the reading about the dating.

Here are the books I can recommend above all others for getting clear about what you want in a partner, a relationship, and therefore a dating profile:

  • Calling in the One, Katherine Woodward Thomas. This book is as much about understanding yourself as it is about understanding a potential partner. It should be required reading for anyone over the age of 12, in my opinion. Not that 12-year-olds should be dating or seeking a soul mate, but it would help a lot of them to value their own needs and desires more. It is worth both reading this whole book as well as doing all the exercises. I think this made a huge difference when I was dating and I noticed a big uptick in the compatibility of the men I met after working through this process
  • Love in 90 DaysDiana Kirschner. I know what you’re thinking, because I was thinking the same thing when this book was recommended to me- it sounds like snake oil. The title screams bullshit. But it is not bullshit, I promise. This book is much more about the strategy and process of dating itself. She has great advice, even the advice that sounds insane turns out to be correct. I formed a group on her recommendation- we called ourselves Team Love- and we worked through the book together. 3 our of 4 of us are now engaged or married to awesome men and the 4th is well on her way.

So this is my prescription for writing yourself a new love story. It is completely possible and I know you are well on your way.

I congratulate you on sticking it out, taking a break when you needed to, and being ready to get back in the game.

Sounds like this is your year!

Keep us posted on how it goes.

xxx and happy reading,

The Book Dr.

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